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Table of contents
- Get this edition
- A Journal for Critical Debate
- I Ain't Got Nobody | Revolvy
- Fats Waller
- Music was not Enough
A Little Song. Al Cohn. A Little Sweet. Max Roach. A Little Taste. A Little Tempo, Please. Neal Hefti. A Little White Lighthouse. A Lonely Co-Ed. A Lover Is Blue. A Lover's Lullaby. Casa Loma Orchestra - A Lull At Dawn. Duke Ellington - Blue Serge, Disc 1. A Man And His Dream. James V. Artie Shaw - Vol 2.
Eddie Heywood - A Map Would Help. George Schuller. Conference Call: 7 - Live Firehouse 12, Disc 2. A Matter Of Time. John Abercrombie. While We're Young. A Mellow Bit Of Rhythm. A Melody From The Sky. Sidney D. A Million Dreams. A Million Dreams Ago. Cab Calloway. A Moment Alone. A Moment Of Clarity. A Monday Date. A Morning In Paris. A Mountain Pass. Claudio Scolari. A Mug Of Ale. A Needle In A Haystack. A New Leaf. Ramona Borthwick.
- Fats Waller, Original Piano Conceptions No. 2, piano solo songbook.
- The Brand New Mommy: From Babies To Branding To Bliss (Learn How To Renew your Life Book 1).
- Current Life Fragments of China.
- Related titles?
- Amazed by Grace.
- Nicholas and His Big Red Truck.
- Stride: The Music of Fats Waller | SpringerLink?
Charlie Barnet - A New Shade Of Blues. A Nice Idea. Cat 'n' Mouse. A Night At Tony's. Gigi Gryce. A Night In Tunisia. The Amazing Bud Powell - Volume 1. Glenn Miller - - Anvil Chorus. Duke Ellington - High Life, Disc 2. A November Afternoon. Tom McIntosh. A Pane In The Glass. A Peach Of A Pair. A Penny For Your Blues. Cecil Scott. The Complete H.
Sessions - Disc 2. A Penthouse Dawn. Glenn Miller - - Serenade In Blue. A Portrait Of Bert Williams. Duke Ellington - Cotton Tail, Disc 1. A Portrait Of Bud Powell. Mal Waldron. A Portrait Of Mr. Merritt Brunies. Sam Lanin Orchestra - A Real Goodun'. Jack McDuff. Brother Jack McDuff - Live! A Rhyme For Love. A Rhythmic Dream. A Room With A View. Roger Wolfe Kahn - A Room Without Windows. Ervin Drake. A Sailboat In The Moonlight. A Shade Of Brown.
Clifford Solomon. Curtis Amy - Disc 3. A Shady Tree. Walter Donaldson. A Shine On Your Shoes. The Rhythmakers - The Complete Set The 30s Girls. A Ship Without A Sail. A Short Piece. Ahmad Jamal. Ahmad Jamal with the Assai Quartet. A Simple Matter Of Conviction. A Singing Water Nymph. A Single Memory. The My Fourteen Songs.
A Siren Dream. Edwin J. McEnelly - Complete Recordings - Americans In Europe. A Sleepin' Bee. Harvey O. The Dinah Washington Story, Disc 1. Brick Fleagle. Sessions - Disc 6. Duke Ellington - Chelsea Bridge, Disc 2. A Sm-o-o-th One. Benny Goodman. A Soft Green Light. Sheryl Bailey. Live The Fat Cat. A Song Was Born. A Souvenir Of Duke Ellington. Duke Ellington - Sophisticated Lady, Disc 2.
Louie Chant. A Star Is Born. A Starling's Theme. Frank Strozier. A Stone's Throw From Heaven. A Strange Fact. Coleman Hawkins In Europe. A Strange Loneliness. A Strange Piece Of News. April Shower. A Stranger In Town. Johnny Hawksworth. A Stranger On Earth. A String Of Pearls. Jerry Gray. A Study In Blue. Larry Clinton. A Study In Brown. A Subtle One. Stanley Turrentine.
Midnight Special. A Sunday Kind Of Love. Sentimental Journey. A Swingy Little Rhythm. A Table In The Corner. A Taste Of Honey. Baby Breeze. A Thousand Dreams Of You. A Thousand Goodnights. A Time Ago. Marc Copland. Night Call. A Time For Love. A Time For Sobriety. George Adams. A Touch Of Blue. Jimmy Jones. Sessions - Disc 3. A Trane Thing. Joe Sample. A Tune For Richard. Booker Ervin. A Tune For The Tutor. Pat Patrick. A Variation On Monk. Dizzy Reece. A Very Unbooted Character. Lee Konitz. Johnny Hodges. A-Tisket, A-Tasket. Red Norvo - Benny Goodman Camel Caravans No.
The Indispensable Django Reinhardt - Disc 1.
Get this edition
Meets Osie. Jaki Byard. R All India Radio. Carla Bley. Gen Himmel. Abaton, Disc 1. Ichigo Ichie. Jack Lawrence. Abercrombie Had A Zombie. Abide With Me. Above Big Sur. Andrew Hill - Solo, Disc 2. Dominique Pifarely. Acoustic Quartet. Absent-Minded Man.
Gunther Schuller. Jim Hall - Giants Of Jazz. Abstraction Rising. Larry Ochs. Stone Shift. Tomas Sauter. First Day In Spring. Accent On Swing. Accent On Youth. Duke Ellington - Solitude, Disc 2. Accentuate The Positive. John Dirac. Accordion Joe. This therapy, and some briefer workshops that follow the same principles, are intended for couples who find that their marriage is in trouble or just want to ensure it stays strong.
Our approach contrasts dramatically with the standard one offered by most marriage therapists. This is because as my research began to uncover the true story of marriage, I had to throw out some long-hallowed beliefs about marriage and divorce. Why most marriage therapy fails If you've had or are having troubles in your relationship, you've probably gotten lots of advice. Sometimes it seems like everybody who's ever been married or knows anyone who's ever been married thinks he holds the secret to guaranteeing endless love. But most of these notions, whether intoned by a psychologist on TV or by a wise manicurist at the local mall, are wrong.
Many such theories, even those initially espoused by talented theorists, have been long discredited--or deserve to be. But they have become so firmly entrenched in the popular culture that you'd never know it. Perhaps the biggest myth of all is that communication--and more specifically learning to resolve your conflicts is the royal road to romance and an enduring, happy marriage.
Whatever a marriage therapist's theoretical orientation, whether you opt for short. The sweeping popularity of this approach is easy to understand. When most couples find themselves in a conflict whether it gets played out as a short spat, an all-out screaming match, or stony silence , they each gird themselves to win the fight.
They become so focused on how hurt they feel, on proving that they're right and their spouse is wrong, or on keeping up a cold shoulder, that the lines of communication between the two may be overcome by static or shut down altogether. So it seems to make sense that calmly and lovingly listening to each other's perspective would lead couples to find compromise solutions and regain their marital composure. The most common technique recommended for resolving conflict--used in one guise or another by most marital therapists--is called active listening.
For example, a therapist might urge you to try some form of the listener-speaker exchange. Let's say Judy is upset that Bob works late most nights. The therapist asks Judy to state her complaints as "I" statements that focus on what she's feeling rather than hurling accusations at Bob. Judy will say, "I feel lonely and overwhelmed when I'm home alone with the kids night after night while you're working late," rather than, "It's so selfish of you to always work late and expect me to take care of the kids by myself.
This shows he is actively listening to her. He is also asked to validate her feelings--to let her know he considers them legitimate, that he respects and empathizes with her even if he doesn't share her perspective. He might say: "It must be hard for you to watch the kids by yourself when I'm working late. Thanks to Bill Clinton, "I feel your pain" may now be the most notorious. By forcing couples to see their differences from each other's perspective, problem solving is supposed to take place without anger. Conflict resolution is touted not only as a cure-all for troubled marriages but as a tonic that can prevent good marriages from faltering.
Where did this approach come from? The pioneers of marital therapy adapted it from techniques used by the renowned psychotherapist Carl Rogers. For individual psychotherapy Rogerian psychotherapy had its heyday in the s and is still practiced in varying degrees by psychotherapists today. His approach entails responding in a nonjudgmental and accepting manner to all feelings and thoughts the patient expresses.
For example, if the patient says, "I just hate my wife, she's such a nagging bitch," the therapist nods and says something like "I hear you saying that your wife nags you and you hate that. Since marriage is also, ideally, a relationship in which people feel safe being themselves, it might seem to make sense to train couples to practice this sort of unconditional understanding. Conflict resolution is certainly easier if each party expresses empathy for the other's perspective.
The problem is that it doesn't work. A Munich-based marital therapy study conducted by Dr. Kurt Hahlweg and associates found that even after employing active listening techniques the typical couple was still distressed. Those few couples who did benefit relapsed within a year. The wide range of marital therapies based on conflict resolution share a very high relapse rate. In fact, the best of this type of marital therapy, conducted by Neil Jacob son, Ph. In other words, his own studies show that only 35 percent of couples see a meaningful improvement in their marriages as a result of the therapy.
A year later, less than half of that group--or just 18 percent of all couples who entered therapy-- retain these benefits. When Consumer Reports surveyed a large sample of its members on their experience with all kinds of psychotherapists, most got very high customer satisfaction. This survey may not qualify as rigorous scientific research, but it confirms what most professionals in this field know: In the long run, current approaches to marital therapy do not benefit the majority of couples. When you really think about it, it's not difficult to see why active listening so often fails.
Bob might do his best to listen thoughtfully to Judy's complaints. But he is not a therapist listening to a patient whine about a third party. The person his wife is trashing behind all of those "I" statements is him. There are some people who can be magnanimous in the face of such criticism--the Dalai Lama comes to mind.
But it's unlikely that you or your spouse is married to one of them. Even in Rogerian therapy, when the client starts complaining about the therapist, the therapist switches from empathy to other therapeutic approaches. Active listening asks couples to perform Olympic-level emotional gymnastics when their relationship can barely walk. If you think validation and active listening will make conflict resolution easier for you and your spouse, by all means use it.
There are circumstances where it can certainly come in handy. But here's the catch: Even if it does make your fights "better" or less frequent, it alone cannot save your marriage. Even happily married couples can have matchesloud screaming matches --loud arguments don't necessarily harm a marriage. After studying some couples and tracking the fate of their marriages for up to fourteen years, we now understand that this approach to counseling doesn't work, not just because it's nearly impossible for most couples to do well, but more importantly because successful conflict resolution isn't what makes marriages succeed.
One of the most startling findings of our research is that most couples who have maintained happy marriages rarely do anything that even partly resembles active listening when they're upset. Consider one couple we studied, Belle and Charlie. After more than forty-five years of marriage, Belle informed Charlie that she wished they had never had children.
This clearly rankled him. What followed was a conversation that broke all the active listening rules. This discussion doesn't include a lot of validation or empathythey both jump right in, arguing their point. Charlie: You think you would have been better off if I had backed you in not having children? Belle: Having children was such an insult to me, Charlie.
Charlie: No. Hold on a minute. Belle: To reduce me to such a level! Charlie: I'm not reduBelle: I wanted so much to share a life with you. Instead I ended up a drudge. Charlie: Now wait a minute, hold on. I don't think not having children is that simple. I think that there's a lot biologically that you're ignoring.
Belle: Look at all the wonderful marriages that have been childless. Charlie: Who? Belle: The Duke and Duchess of Windsor! Charlie deep sigh : Please! Belle: He was the king! He married a valuable woman. They had a very happy marriage. Charlie: I don't think that's a fair example. First of all, she was forty. That makes a difference. Belle: She never had children.
And he fell in love with her not because she was going to reproduce. Charlie: But the fact is, Belle, that there is a real strong biological urge to have children. Belle: That's an insult to think that I'm regulated by biology. Charlie: I can't help it! Belle: Well, anyway, I think we would have had a ball without children. Charlie: Well, I think we had a ball with the kids, too. Belle: I didn't have that much of a ball. Charlie and Belle may not sound like June and Ward Cleaver, but they have been happily married for over forty-five years.
They both say they are extremely satisfied with their marriage and devoted to each other. No doubt they have been having similar in-your-face discussions for years. They don't end off angrily, either. They go on to discuss why Belle feels this way about motherhood. Her major regret is that she wasn't more available to spend time with Charlie. She wishes she hadn't always been so cranky and tired. There's a lot of affection and laughter as they hash this out.
Neither of their heart rates or blood pressures indicate distress. The bottom line of what Belle is saying is that she loves Charlie so much, she wishes she had had more time with him. Clearly, there's something very positive going on between them that overrides their argumentative style.
Whatever that "something" is, marriage counseling, with its emphasis on "good" fighting, doesn't begin to help other couples tap into it. Exploding more myths about marriage The notion that you can save your marriage just by learning to communicate more sensitively is probably the most widely held misconception about happy marriages--but it's hardly the only one.
Over the years I've found many other myths that are not only false but potentially destructive to a marriage because they can lead couples down the wrong path or, worse, convince them that their marriage is a hopeless case. Among these common myths: Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages. You might assume that people with hang-ups would be ill suited for marriage. But research has found only the weakest connection between run-ofthe-mill neuroses and failing at love.
But they don't necessarily interfere with marriage. The key to a happy marriage isn't having a "normal" personality but finding someone with whom you mesh. For example, Sam has a problem dealing with authority--he. If he were married to an authoritarian woman who tended to give commands and tried to tell him what to do, the result would be disastrous. But instead he is married to Megan, who treats him like a partner and doesn't try to boss him around.
They've been happily married for ten years. Contrast them with another couple who do run into marital problems. Jill has a deep-seated fear of abandonment due to her parents' divorcing when she was very young. Her husband, Wayne, who is truly devoted to her, is a debonair ladies' man who flirts shamelessly at parties. When she complains, he points out that he is percent faithful to her and insists she lighten up and let him enjoy this harmless pleasure.
But the threat Jill perceives from his flirtations--and his unwillingness to stop--drives them to separate and eventually divorce. The point is that neuroses don't have to ruin a marriage. What matters is how you deal with them. If you can accommodate each other's strange side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect, your marriage can thrive. Common interests keep you together. That all depends on how you interact while pursuing those interests.
One husband and wife who love kayaking may glide smoothly down the water, laughing, talking, and concentrating together. Their love of kayaking enriches and deepens their fondness and interest in each other. Another couple may equally share a love of kayaking but not the same mutual respect.
Their travels may be punctuated with "That's not the way to do a J-stroke, you idiot! It's hard to see how pursuing their common interest is in the best interest of their marriage. In other words, they meet a smile with a smile, a kiss with a kiss. When one helps the other with a chore, the other intentionally. In essence, the couple function with an unwritten agreement to offer recompense for each kind word or deed.
In bad marriages this contract has broken down, so that anger and resentment fill the air. By making the floundering couple aware of the need for some such "contract," the theory goes, their interactions could be repaired. But it's really the unhappy marriage where this quid pro quo operates, where each feels the need to keep a running tally of who has done what for whom.
Happy spouses do not keep tabs on whether their mate is washing the dishes as a payback because they cooked dinner. They just do it because they generally feel positive about their spouse and their relationship. If you find yourself keeping score about some issue with your spouse, that suggests it's an area of tension in your marriage. Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage. But honesty is not best for all marriages.
Plenty of lifelong relationships happily survive even though the couple tend to shove things under the rug. Take Allan and Betty. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing happened. Never in forty years of marriage have they sat down to have a "dialogue" about their relationship.
Neither of them could tell you what a "validating" statement is. Yet they will tell you honestly that they are both very satisfied with their marriage and that they love each other deeply, hold the same values, love to fish and travel together, and wish for their children as happy a married life as they have shared. Couples simply have different styles of conflict. Some avoid fights at all costs, some fight a lot, and some are able to "talk out" their differences and find a compromise without ever raising their voices.
No one style is necessarily better than the other--as long as the style works for both people. Couples can run into trouble if one partner always wants to talk out a conflict while the other just wants to watch the playoffs. Affairs are the root cause of divorce.
In most cases it's the other way around. Problems in the marriage that send the couple on a trajectory to divorce also send one or both of them looking for intimate connection outside the marriage. Most marital therapists who write about extramarital affairs find that these trysts are usually not about sex but about seeking friendship, support, understanding, respect, attention, caring, and concern--the kind of things that marriage is supposed to offer. In probably the most reliable survey ever done on divorce, by Lynn Gigy, Ph. Only 20 to 27 percent of couples said an extramarital affair was even partially to blame.
Men are not biologically "built" for marriage. A corollary to the notion that affairs cause divorce, this theory holds that men are philanderers by nature and are therefore ill suited for monogamy. It's supposedly the law of the jungle--the male of the species looks to create as many offspring as possible, so his allegiance to any one mate remains superficial.
Meanwhile the female, given the large task of tending to the young, looks for a single mate who will provide well for her and her children. But whatever natural laws other species follow, among humans the frequency of extramarital affairs does not depend on gender so much as on opportunity. Now that so many women work outside the home, the rate of extramarital affairs by women has skyrocketed.
According to Annette Lawson, Ph. Men and women are from different planets. According to a rash of best-selling books, men and women can't get along because males are "from Mars" and females "from Venus. The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple's friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple's friendship.
So men and women come from the same planet after all. I could go on and on. The point is not just that there are plenty of myths out there about marriage, but that the false information they offer can be disheartening to couples who are desperately trying to make their marriage work. If these myths imply one thing, it's that marriage is an extremely complex, imposing institution that most of us just aren't good enough for. I'm not suggesting that marriage is easy. We all know it takes courage, determination, and resiliency to maintain a long-lasting relationship. But once you understand what really makes a marriage tick, saving or safeguarding your own will become simpler.
What does make marriage work? The advice I used to give couples earlier in my career was pretty much what you'd hear from virtually any marital therapist--the same old pointers about conflict resolution and communication skills. But after looking squarely at my own data, I had to face the harsh facts: Getting couples to disagree more "nicely" might reduce their stress levels while they argued, but frequently it wasn't enough to pump life back into their marriages. The right course for these couples became clear only after I analyzed the interactions of couples whose marriages sailed smoothly through troubled waters.
Why was it that these marriages worked so well? Were these couples more intelligent, more stable, or simply. Could whatever they had be taught to other couples? It soon became apparent that these happy marriages were never perfect unions. Some couples who said they were very satisfied with each other still had significant differences in temperament, in interests, in family values. Conflict was not infrequent. They argued, just as the unhappy couples did, over money, jobs, kids, housekeeping, sex, and in-laws. The mystery was how they so adroitly navigated their way through these difficulties and kept their marriages happy and stable.
It took studying hundreds of couples until I finally uncovered the secrets of these emotionally intelligent marriages. No two marriages are the same, but the more closely I looked at happy marriages the clearer it became that they were alike in seven telltale ways. Happily married couples may not be aware that they follow these Seven Principles, but they all do. Unhappy marriages always came up short in at least one of these seven areas--and usually in many of them.
By mastering these Seven Principles, you can ensure that your own marriage will thrive. You'll learn to identify which of these components are weak spots, or potential weak spots, in your marriage, and to focus your attention where your marriage most needs it. In the chapters ahead we'll fill you in on all the secrets to maintaining or regaining a happy marriage, and hold your hand as you apply the techniques to your own marriage.
How can I be so confident that doing this will benefit your marriage? Because unlike other approaches to helping couples, mine is based on knowing what makes marriages succeed rather than on what makes them fail. I don't have to guess anymore about why some couples stay so happily married. I know why I have documented just what makes happily married couples different from everybody else.
I am confident that the Seven Principles work not just because my data suggest they should, but because the hundreds of couples who attended our workshops so far have confirmed to me that they do. Almost all of these couples came to us because their marriage was in deep distress--some were on the verge of divorce. Many were skeptical that a simple two-day workshop based on the Seven Principles could turn their relationship around.
Fortunately their skepticism was unfounded. Our findings indicate that these workshops have made a profound and powerful difference in these couples' lives. Couples who attend my workshop have a relapse rate that's about half that from standard marital therapy. When it comes to judging the effectiveness of marital therapy, nine months seems to be the magic number.
Usually by then the couples who are going to relapse after therapy already have. Those who retain the benefits of therapy through the first nine months tend to continue them long-term. So we put our workshops to the test by doing an extensive nine-month follow-up of couples. I'm happy to report an astoundingly low relapse rate. The nationwide relapse rate for standard marital therapy is 30 to 50 percent. Our rate is 20 percent. We found that at the beginning of our workshops, 27 percent of couples were at very high risk for divorce. At our three-month followup that proportion was 6.
But even couples who were not at high risk for divorce were significantly helped by the workshops. Friendship versus fighting At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company.
These couples tend to each. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out. Take the case of hardworking Nathaniel, who runs his own import business and works very long hours. In another marriage, his schedule might be a major liability. But he and his wife Olivia have found ways to stay connected.
They talk frequently on the phone during the day. When she has a doctor's appointment, he remembers to call to see how it went. When he has a meeting with an important client, she'll check in to see how it fared. When they have chicken for dinner, she gives him both drumsticks because she knows he likes them best. When he makes blueberry pancakes for the kids Saturday morning, he'll leave the blueberries out of hers because he knows she doesn't like them.
Although he's not religious, he accompanies her to church each Sunday because it's important to her. And although she's not crazy about spending a lot of time with their relatives, she has pursued a friendship with Nathaniel's mother and sisters because family matters so much to him.
If all of this sounds humdrum and unromantic, it's anything but.
A Journal for Critical Debate
Through small but important ways Olivia and Nathaniel are maintaining the friendship that is the foundation of their love. As a result they have a marriage that is far more passionate than do couples who punctuate their lives together with romantic vacations and lavish anniversary gifts but have fallen out of touch in their daily lives.
Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse. Because Nathaniel and Olivia have kept their friendship strong despite the inevitable disagreements and irritations of married life, they are experiencing what is known technically as "positive sentiment override.
It takes a much more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple than it would otherwise. Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each other and their. Here's a simple example. Olivia and Nathaniel are getting ready to host a dinner party. Nathaniel calls, "Where are the napkins?
He attributes her anger to some fleeting problem that has nothing to do with him-like she can't get the cork out of the wine bottle. However, if their marriage were troubled, he would be more likely to sulk or yell back, "Never mind, you get them! According to this popular theory, the body has a "set" weight that it tries to maintain. Thanks to homeostasis, no matter how much or how little you diet, your body has a strong tendency to hover at that weight. Only by resetting your body's metabolism say, by exercising regularly can dieting really help you lose pounds for good. In a marriage, positivity and negativity operate similarly.
Once your marriage gets "set" at a certain degree of positivity it will take far more negativity to harm your relationship than if your "set point" were lower. And if your relationship becomes overwhelmingly negative, it will be more difficult to repair it. Most marriages start off with such a high, positive set point that it's hard for either partner to imagine their relationship derailing. But far too often this blissful state doesn't last.
Over time anger, irritation, and resentment can build to the point that the friendship becomes more and more of an abstraction. The couple may pay lip service to it, but it is no longer their daily reality. Eventually they end up in "negative sentiment override. Words said in a neutral tone of voice are taken personally. The wife says, "You're not supposed to run the microwave without any food in it. I'm the one who read the manual!
Once you reach this point, getting back to the fundamental bond that united you in the first place can seem as difficult as back pedaling while white water rafting. But my Seven Principles will show you how to strengthen your friendship even if you feel awash in negativity. As you learn about these principles, you will come to have a deeper understanding of the role of friendship in any marriage, and you will develop the skills to retain or revive your own. A happy couple's secret weapon Rediscovering or reinvigorating friendship doesn't prevent couples from arguing.
Instead, it gives them a secret weapon that prevents quarrels from getting out of hand. For example, here's what happens when Olivia and Nathaniel argue. As they plan to move from the city to the suburbs, tensions between them are high. Although they see eye to eye on which house to buy and how to decorate it, they are locking horns over buying a new car. Olivia thinks they should join the suburban masses and get a minivan. To Nathaniel nothing could be drearier--he wants a Jeep.
The more they talk about it, the higher the decibel level gets. If you were a fly on the wall of their bedroom, you would have serious doubts about their future together. Then all of a sudden, Olivia puts her hands on her hips and, in perfect imitation of their four-year-old son, sticks out her tongue. Since Nathaniel knows that she's about to do this, he sticks out his tongue first.
Then they both start laughing. As always, this silly contest defuses the tension between them. In our research we actually have a technical name for what Olivia and Nathaniel did. Probably unwittingly, they used a repair attempt. Repair attempts are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples--even though many of these couples aren't aware that they are doing something so powerful. When a couple have a strong friendship, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way.
But when. The success or failure of a couple's repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether their marriage flourishes or flounders. And again, what determines the success of their repair attempts is the strength of their marital friendship. If this sounds simplistic or obvious, you'll find in the pages ahead that it is not. Strengthening your marital friendship isn't as basic as just being "nice.
Most of the couples who take our workshop are relieved to hear that almost everybody messes up during marital conflict. What matters is whether the repairs are successful. The purpose of marriage In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don't just "get along"--they also support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.
That is really what I mean when I talk about honoring and respecting each other. Very often a marriage's failure to do this is what causes husband and wife to find themselves in endless, useless rounds of argument or to feel isolated and lonely in their marriage. After watching countless videotapes of couples fighting, I can guarantee you that most quarrels are really not about whether the toilet lid is up or down or whose turn it is to take out the trash. There are deeper, hidden issues that fuel these superficial conflicts and make them far more intense and hurtful than they would otherwise be.
Once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage: Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other's mind--but it can't be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle,. By fighting over these differences, they succeed in doing, is wasting their time and harming their marriage.
This doesn't mean there's nothing you can do if your relationship has been overrun by conflict. But it does mean that the typical conflict-resolution advice won't help. Instead, you need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict between you--and to learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. Only then will you be able to build shared meaning and a sense of purpose into your marriage.
It used to be that couples could achieve this goal only through their own insight, instinct, or blessed luck. But now my Seven Principles make the secrets of marital success available to all couples. No matter what the current state of your relationship, following these Seven Principles can lead to dramatic, positive change.
The first step toward improving or enhancing your marriage is to understand what happens when my Seven Principles are not followed. This has been well documented by my extensive research into couples who were not able to save their marriages. Learning about the failures can prevent your marriage from making the same mistakes--or rescue it if it already has. Once you come to understand why some marriages fail and how the Seven Principles could prevent such tragedies, you'll be on the way to improving your own marriage forever.
Dara and Oliver sit face to face in the Love Lab. Both are in their late twenties, they have volunteered to take part in my study of newlyweds. In this extensive research, couples have agreed to put their marriages not only under the microscope but in front of the camera as well. Dara and Oliver are among the fifty who were observed during an overnight stay at the Love Lab "apartment". My ability to predict divorce is based in part on my analysis of these couples and their interactions.
Dara and Oliver say their lives are hectic but happy. She attends nursing school at night, and he works long hours as a computer programmer. Like many couples, including those who remain content as well as those who eventually divorce, Dara and Oliver acknowledge that their marriage isn't perfect. But they say they love each other and are committed to staying together. They positively beam when they talk about the life they plan to build. I ask them to spend fifteen minutes in the lab trying to resolve an ongoing disagreement they are having while I videotape them.
As they speak, sensors attached to their bodies gauge their stress levels. I expect that their discussion will be at least somewhat negative. After all, I have asked them to quarrel. While some couples are capable of resolving disagreements with understanding words and smiles, more often there's tension. Dara and Oliver are no exception. Dara thinks Oliver doesn't do his share of the housekeeping, and he thinks she nags him too much, which makes him less motivated to do more. After listening to them talk about this problem, I sadly predict to my colleagues that Dara and Oliver will see their marital happiness dwindle.
And sure enough, four years later they report they are on the verge of divorce. Although they still live together, they are leading lonely lives. They have become like ghosts, haunting the marriage that once made them both feel so alive. I predict their marriage will falter not because they argue--after all, I asked them to.
Anger between husband and wife doesn't itself predict marital meltdown. Other couples in the newlywed study argue far more during the fifteen minutes of videotaping than do Dara and Oliver. The clues to Dara and Oliver's future breakup are in the way they argue. The first sign: harsh startup The most obvious indicator that this discussion and this marriage is not going to go well is the way it begins.
Dara immediately becomes negative and accusatory. When Oliver broaches the subject of housework, she's ready to be sarcastic. Oliver tries to lighten things up by cracking a joke: "Or the book we were talking about writing: Men are pigs. They talk a bit more, trying to devise a plan to make sure Oliver does his share, and then Dara says, "I mean, I'd like to see it resolved, but it doesn't seem like it is. I mean, I've tried making up lists, and that doesn't work. And I've tried letting you do it on your.
In essence, she's saying the problem isn't the housekeeping, it's him.
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